Nurture Pod 3: Discipline vs Devotion

Iris and Ginger discuss why using self discipline is such a tricky line to walk- especially when it comes loaded with cultural messages. How do we deepen a devotion to our future selves rather than trying to "fix" the present self from a place of shame.

Nurture Pod 2: Handpies and the Waterfall

Thank you for listening to the Nurture POD! In this episode Iris and I dig into the idea of over pouring to find our value in the reflection of others. How being a waterfall beats adding hand pies to an already full table.

Listen to podcast on link below: (ps- it’s also available on Apple Podcasts if you’d like to subscribe and leave us a positive review and rating! It really helps:)

The Nurture Pod Begins- Spring Equinox Episode One Drop

This is my very first podcast! I’m beyond excited to start this weekly conversation with my brilliant friend Iris.

She’s someone who inspires me to think about how we create the world our hearts know is possible.

This first podcast is our first seed planting of many conversations to come. In it we call in the four elements (air, fire, water, earth) of what we are calling The Nurture Culture-a global healing cultural mindset shift.

Listen to the audio only version in the link below.

Three mindset tips that will help you reach your goals in 2024!

Making New Years goals and resolutions is something that most of us do every January. And 80% of people will never follow through on them.

Some call it self sabotage- but I think it’s your nervous system operating perfectly.

Once you understand that you’re hard wired to resist change you can stop judging yourself when you quit and start getting curious about why.

Facts:

Your body is always moving towards what feels safe.

Your mind likes to save energy by doing what’s familiar.

It’s survival instinct.

When you decide to grow and set bigger goals for yourself- you’ll feel this protective inertia pulling you back.

So lets dive into three ways that can help you reach your goals by working with your nervous system instead of against it.

#1. Choose a thought that feels good.

A client of mine recently came to me with a goal to 3x her business in 2024. When I asked what she thought about it she said “I have no idea how I’m going to it”.

This thought, while factual sounding, was making her feel nervous about her goal.

The thought wasn’t true. She had lots of ideas, but the emotion of fear was uncomfortable enough that her nervous system was on alert.

The unconscious response to fear in the body is 3000x faster than your brain can register.

So without even realizing it, her thought sent her body into actions that felt more comfortable and familiar. She stopped working on her business and went to fold laundry, walk her dog and clean her house. All things she knew exactly how to do- which felt comforting to her body in the face of a fearful thought like “I don’t know how I’m going to do it”.

Procrastination and overwhelm are simply your body’s way of finding safety when emotions come up that activate your nervous system.

You don’t know why you suddenly got up from your computer and started sweeping the floor- but you did!

This is the time to catch yourself and notice what thoughts are running through your mind.

Write down every thought (good or bad) that you have about your goal.

• Read through the negative thoughts and notice how they make your body feel. What emotions are coming up for you? Where do you feel them in your body?

• Now read through the good thoughts and feel the impact they have in your body.

In our coaching session my client came up with a new thought that worked much better for her.

“I don’t know how to reach my goal right now but I do know how to get started”

This is called a bridge thought.

It acknowledges that she doesn’t have all the info yet to 3x her business but she’s confident enough to start the process and learn as she goes.

With this new thought, the fear in her body was much less and her brain offered up all kinds of “get started” ideas. She was able to create a list of actions to get going.

#2. Work with your brain, not against it.

Your brain doesn’t like to work hard. It wants to save energy by doing the things already knows and understands. This feels safe. From a survival standpoint- it’s a big win.

So when you set a new goal be prepared for your brain to initially resist the change.

Discipline and routines can work but if they create negative emotions in the body, chances are your hard wiring will win out in the end.

Only 9% of people keep New Years resolutions long term.

One way to help your brain go along with your new plan is to take it in easy, small steps.

The first action steps my client came up with looked like:

• Create Client Email List

• Send out Marketing Email

• Write a weekly blog post

• Offer monthly specials

While these are all great steps to take, her brain didn’t have enough information to tackle any one of these tasks.

I asked her how she was going to create a client email list and her face went blank.

She replied-“I’m not really sure how to do it”- and I could see her old thought had returned. She was spinning into overwhelm before she could even start.

That is because “Create an email list” is too big for an action step.

It’s more like a mini goal.

When she and I started to break it down the new list looked like this:

Create a Client Email List:

• Call my web designer and find out how to access the emails stored in my website

• Go through my phone and find all the contacts of past clients and put in one list

• Arrange the dog schedule with my husband so I have two free hours on Saturday to enter all the emails onto a spreadsheet.

  Can you see the difference?

  Her brain knows how to do these individual tasks. With no resistance her brain will happily do task after task as long as it doesn’t feel confused and have to work too hard.

  In fact the brain gets dopamine from checking off a list.

  The more you can breakdown your goal into tiny easy tasks the better!

  #3 Get Curious and Compassionate

  All this may sound ridiculous to you.

  You may be thinking; “Why do I have to carefully choose a positive thought and break things into baby steps? I’m an adult. I should just be able to push through, figure it out, work hard and never give up till I reach my goal.”

  That voice of the culture is always in your head and it’s repeated that message to you since childhood- “If you fail you just weren’t trying hard enough”.

  But actually, it’s not true.

  You failed because you tried to ignore your internal needs in favor of an external reward.

  Your body is wiser than your brain in many ways.

  It isn’t going to let you move forward if it doesn’t feel safe.

  You can force your body to perform for a while but eventually stress, exhaustion, depression, health problems etc. will emerge to stop you. (#America)

  A much easier way is to work with your body’s needs and to comfort your nervous system as you go.

  This is a skill not taught in our culture, in fact it’s often shamed as being too sensitive.

  If you find yourself spinning in overwhelm or scrolling on your phone when you know you wanted to be working on your new goal just take a moment to reflect.

• Notice what you are doing without trying to change it or judge it.

• Simply observe yourself and get curious.

  Ask yourself: What happened earlier that may have triggered an emotion that led me to scroll my phone to comfort myself?

  Be an investigator and retrace your steps to see if you can find the thought or the emotion that’s in your body when you are frozen in overwhelm or ready to throw in the towel.

  When you find the emotion in your body:

• Offer it compassion.

• Thank it for showing up to protect you.

• Ask it what it needs and what positive intention it has for you.

  You will be amazed by how powerful this simple 90 second check in can be.

  Months of procrastination can be avoided by the simple gesture of a hand over your heart and allowing moments of grief, fear, anger, shame etc to be felt and processed.

  Once you get good at noticing and being with your emotions, the energy you will save is enormous.

  I’m convinced 90% of the struggles we face in life are due to the fact that we have never been taught how to choose our thoughts, process emotions and soothe our nervous systems.

Hopefully this helps get you started for the New Year with some new tools in your tool kit!

If you are interested in diving in deeper and working with your goals in private coaching sessions I highly encourage you to do so.

This process is much easier with a guide and it’s life changing stuff!

You can book a free consult with me here.

If after the consult you feel like the work is a good fit, I also offer your first full coaching session for free!

I would love to help you meet your goals in 2024!

Leave me a comment below if this piece helped you or if you have any questions!

xoxo

Ginger

Pouring the Ancestral Cup. Three ways that honoring the dead heals the living.

Our culture is one of the few in the world that has little or no relationship to death.

In many cultures around the world rituals for the dead take place year round. Ancestral altars and offerings are deeply woven into everyday life.

Ancestors are honored as a source of wisdom and strength. They are the ones who figured out how to survive. How to live in community. How to feed their families and pass their genetics, wealth and wisdom onward.

There’s also an acknowledgement of soul ancestors. The artists, writers, teachers and figures from history that give us inspiration. They’re the ones who pass on creativity and visions that feed your soul and light up your purpose in life.

But in the modern industrial western world (particularly in the USA) we have a culture that does not like to look backwards. It is a culture of progress, growth, innovation, of the younger, newer and better.

We like to think of ourselves as rugged individuals forging new destinies that have nothing to do with our dusty old relatives.

Ancestors and the elderly are not only dismissed but are considered irrelevant to the modern age. Why would you want to think about the past when AI can make the future so much better?

An extension of this idea is that old things have less value in our culture. Old houses torn down for condos are seen as an economic improvement. Old forests are cut, managed and replanted with young trees. Old people are an inconvenience we tolerate. Death is a unfortunate thing we don’t like to talk about or dwell on.

So when Halloween rolls around in the US- it exists mainly for partying or for kids. For most it’s just another workday with a pumpkin spice latte and maybe some cat ears thrown on for fun.

Christmas decorations often come out before Halloween even arrives- so eager is the push to get past all this silly death and onto the main selling season that will boost economic numbers for the quarter.

All of makes sense in a culture that avoids dealing with death- and the emotions that come with it (grief, shame, and regret).

But what we don’t realize is that by not having a relationship with the dead we are missing out on a huge part of our own healing. There’s a reason that most cultures hold an honored space for this energy.

Here’s three reasons why you may want to create a space in your life for the dead- not only around Halloween and Dia De Los Muertos but also year round.

1. Connection.

   One way that the dead heal the living is to soothe the cultural wound of disconnection and loneliness.

   A government report released in this spring titled "Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation," finds that even before the COVID-19 pandemic, about half of U.S. adults reported experiencing measurable levels of loneliness.

   It warned that the physical consequences of loneliness can be devastating, including a 29% increased risk of heart disease; a 32% increased risk of stroke; and a 50% increased risk of developing dementia for older adults. Loneliness is also linked with depression and many other forms of mental illness.

   Francis Weller in his book The Wild Edge of Sorrow talks about 5 gates of grief. One of them is the grief of what we expected to have but did not receive.

   For most of human existence on Earth we lived in communal societies. Hundreds of thousands of years of being tribal peoples with deep connections to the land and to each other for not only survival but to meet our deep human need to feel purpose in relationship to more than just ourselves.

   In a communal society you would have had a rich connection to the land you lived on and the plants and animals there. You would have had a mythology that included your direct relationship to your clan, community and cosmos with rituals that reinforced those bonds and how your relationships to them changed over the course of your life.

   Your birthright would have included many stories and rituals connecting you to your ancestors. These would include plant and animal ancestors and star ancestors. They would include sacred places you’d visit and weaving patterns that would adorn your clothes. From birth you would feel held by this large web of connection.

   This can still be found in many cultures in the world but is starkly lacking in our own.

   It’s a deeply healing process to start this journey of re-connection.

   What are some of your ancestors names? Where did they come from? What foods did they eat? What colors did they like to wear? What are the stories and rituals of the places they lived?

   Find photos, recipes and create an altar for your own ancestors. Light a candle for them. And ask them for guidance. One of the things that utterly confuses tribal peoples about our culture is why we don’t give our ancestors any work to do. They consider them a vibrant force of energy and protection that they call on daily for help.

   If you don’t know your ancestors or don’t feel connected to them- then look to the place you live. What is the name and shape of the watershed you live in? What birds migrate there? What are the names of trees and types of rocks found here?

   These are ancestors of place and have been here much longer than you have. Find a tree you like to visit to on a walk each day and leave an offering at it’s roots.

   These small rituals of connection can heal you in ways you may not expect. They restore a small part of the ancient web of life to your world.

   Loneliness isn’t about being alone- it’s about not having the relationships to things or people that bring your life meaning and purpose.

   Your ancestors eagerly await you to start the conversation with them.

2. Purpose.

   Close your eyes and consider for just a moment that it’s two hundred years in the future. Your name and job and all things about your life have been utterly forgotten. Society looks wildly different and a group of young people stand in a circle near the place you now live holding a ceremony to honor the ancestors.

   What do you wish these brave young people to have? What kind of housing, food, water, healers, childcare, nature, rituals, art, poetry etc do you wish for them?

   These are the questions that a future ancestor considers.

   In our culture we’re so busy trying to make it through one day we often forget that we are the ones who carry the gifts, seeds and dreams of the future.

   One of your roles that you are here to reclaim (especially as you reach middle age and beyond) is to think beyond your immediate circumstances and consider the health and well being for those living seven generations from now.

   Part of working with the ancestors is knowing that you are one too- in the making.

   It’s not so much about legacy (i.e. my name will be known for generations) but about the gifts you give by being the fullest expressions of yourself. The poems you write. The traditions you begin. The places you protect and honor. The visions you bring into reality.

   If you struggle with feeling a lack of purpose (and many of us do) taking up the future ancestor role will start to heal the cultural wounds of apathy and overwhelm.

   But the problems of the world seems so huge. How can one person change any of it? Why bother? We’re all doomed.

   These are natural responses to the massive problems that face us. But they also stop us from seeing the bigger picture.

   What you do now does matter. You’re not just here to pay rent and to try and succeed at modern day life. You’re here for those young people two hundred years in the future. You carry the seeds of what needs to grow for them to thrive.

   You may not live to see the results of your work, in fact you’re likely to see it get worse before it gets better. But future ancestors know it will take many generations of healing to repair what took many generations to destroy. It’s the work we are here to do. To take our place in the line of ancestors slowly sowing and tending seeds that will one day feed a young person two hundred years in the future.

   Those who have yet to be born eagerly await you to take up your role as future ancestor.

3. Joy

   Death is a reminder to live. To appreciate what you have now.

   At a certain age you must turn from what you have been so busy with all these years and face death.

   Sometimes this reality is brought to you by an illness or the loss of someone dear. It may come with middle age. Some never face death and “enter the grave walking backwards”- as if staying busy and “productive” will somehow make death go away.

   Every day you live you are a day closer to death- that’s just a fact.

   If that brings up anxiety or regret in you, it’s worth pausing to ask why.

   Spending time considering death (which our culture avoids at all costs) pushes you to examine what you’re doing with your one precious life.

   If you died tomorrow what do you wish that you’d finally done? What places did you never see? Who did you want to tell you loved them? What idea or gift are you holding onto because its not “perfect” that the world will never know because you’re gone?

   At some point I caught myself using the phrase “getting through” a lot.

   I’ll just “get through” this task, “get through” this day, “get through” this event, “get through this trip”, “get through” this year.

   Eventually I had to ask myself what am I “getting through” to?

   The thing I was rushing towards was a grave. And the thing I was “getting through” was in fact, my life.

   So I decided to replace “getting through” with “get to”.

   I get to host this event. I get to have this day. I get to go on this trip.

   Determination shifted to joy. I get to make choices. I get to be alive. What a gift!

   If you ever find yourself falling into the cultural wound of busyness, working with the dead is a great wake up call to reconnect with your joy.

   No one on their death bed wishes they had worked harder or were busier. Regrets universally come from not taking time to fully live, to enjoy flower blossoms or the smell of fresh baked cookies. For not slowing down to savor all the joy that life offers.

   Your life eagerly awaits you to remember that you won’t be here forever. This day- this hour- this breath is a gift. Savor it.

   
   Thank you for reading! I’m curious to know how any of this lands for you. If you have comments or questions please leave them for me in the comments below and I’ll get back to you!

   xoxo

   Ginger